Whether it’s at work or home, we can all benefit from becoming better at confrontation. How we handle conflict and stress is directly related to how successful and stable our relationships will be.

Sometimes, the first question we ask when dealing with a tricky situation is whether we should confront or not confront. Should you confront the cranky coworker, annoying neighbor, or overbearing boss, or just let it go?

If you’re trying to get better at confrontation, first it’s important to decide whether confronting a current difficult situation makes sense or not. To make that decision, take a look at the three reality check questions below.

1) Is the other person’s behavior having a negative effect?

To get better at confrontation, first, decide why you want to say something to the person whom you need to address. If you want to win an argument or be right, it’s best not to confront this person. However, if someone’s behavior is negatively impacting you or others, it is worth saying something and letting the person know the consequences his or her behavior.

For example:

• “When you interrupt, I feel like you’re not interested in what I have to say.”
• “When you arrive late, it throws off everyone else’s schedule.”
• “When you miss the deadline, we turn in the report late, and it makes us look unprofessional.”

2) Will the situation begin to affect your attitude if not confronted?

If your resentment is building and your attitude is growing sour, it’s probably time to say something. Even worse, letting the situation continue might also affect the attitudes of the people around you.

3) What are the consequences of not confronting?

Much like dirty dishes left sitting in the sink, the conflict only gets grungier and more difficult to confront as time passes. The longer you put off the tedious task, the harder it will be to finally confront. We are also more likely to have such a buildup of frustration and angst that we’ll explode and say the wrong thing. In the words of educator/writer Dr. Peter Laurence: “Speak in anger, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”

Some phrases to help you get better at confrontation

Getting better at confrontation is often about thinking through what you’d like to say and what you want the person to hear. By scripting out your feelings and developing a thoughtful approach, you can get better at confrontation.

Here are some phrases to try using to introduce a difficult conversation:

• “I would appreciate…”
• “Would you be willing to…?”
• “I need your help…”
• “I’m concerned…”
• “I would prefer that…

And, remember, ask the three questions above to help you decide whether or not to address a situation in the first place!