“People hearing without listening” is one of the lines in the iconic song The Sound of Silence which I recently ran across on YouTube.
The listening challenge, however, is when you’re interacting with someone who is “talking without speaking.” They may be talking but not saying what they really mean. Or their non-verbal actions convey that they have something more to say. Their tone may be abrupt or you notice they’re holding back.
They may not even be expressing anything non-verbally, but you can sense that they have something else on their mind. Perhaps they don’t know how to say it, or they’re afraid to say it. As a result, the sound of that silence can be almost deafening!
Especially in a workplace where it has historically not been OK to say something, people may be hesitant to share concerns, express a dissenting opinion or point out the proverbial “elephant in the room.” (You know—that thing that everyone sees yet no one is willing to talk about.) It may simply feel unsafe to say.
So, why might you want to speak into that silence rather than ignoring it? Why would you want to respond to what’s NOT said?
The answers to those questions are written in the lyrics of that long-ago song:
“And no one dared disturb the sound of silence. ‘Fools’ said I, ‘You do not know, silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you…’ ”
Here are a few ways to constructively disrupt the divide between the silence and what needs to be said—and encourage the other person to verbalize their unspoken words:
Ask Open-Ended Questions (Avoid WHY which can come across as judgmental and cause defensiveness)
- “How do you feel about…”
- “What are your thoughts on…”
- “I’m wondering what you think about…”
Summarize and Empathize (Brief, tentative)
- “These changes are going to be a challenge. A bit overwhelming, isn’t it?”
- “I’m guessing that you’re worried about staffing. Am I right?”
Identify potential feelings…”You seem…” (Tentative tone)
- Annoyed, irritated, angry
- Surprised, hopeful, excited
- Disappointed, unsure, sad
- Anxious, uneasy, overwhelmed
Please note that these approaches work best when YOU use silence after commenting and give the other person a chance to respond. As a result, these approaches might make people more willing to share what’s on their mind at the moment, and in similar situations in the future. And whether you’re their supervisor, a colleague or even an old friend, they may just want to come talk with you again.
